Love for the game: Fantasy teams- Celebrities

Fantasy leagues are played by sports fans everywhere. They choose their teams from a pool of players, salary and logic no bar, and pit them against other fantasy teams. Wonder if this team beats Team Pandavs.

PG

Ekta Kapoor:

Pros:

- Great at flops. Beats Vlade Divac at flopping. No higher compliment playable to a flopper.





Cons:

- Inflexible mindset. Only adheres to the old tried and tested plays.

- Will only play for Coach Krezsewski, provided he puts the following players on the floor with her:

Kosta Koufos, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and Kevin Johnson.

- After every single shot/dribble/pass/rebound/play, will pause and stare unflinchingly at the players, coaches, referees, mascots, cheerleaders, crowd members, and everyone else in the vicinity. This renders fastbreaks impossible and 24 second violations inevitable. Also leads to numerous other violations such as 3 in the key, 8 second backcourt, etc.


Pictured: Unflinching stare



SG

Salman Khan:

Pros:

- Strong player. Can lift the entire team on his back. Literally.

Cons:

- Stays on the perimeter. Only drives in the lane when drunk. When he does drive, he will run over anyone in the lane. Does not make too much of an effort to avoid collisions.

- Suspected paranoia. Claims to be wanted by someone.

- Has shown an unusual propensity to take off his shirt at the slightest provocation/every basket made or attempted/ every whistle blown. This constitutes a technical foul.

- His shooting seems to be directed towards the mascot rather than the basket.


What'd I do?



SF

Aamir Khan

Pros:

- Very versatile and creative with the ball. Deeply committed to winning.

Cons:

- Can’t be pigeonholed. Plays all positions and roles. Even takes over coaching during timeouts.

- Won’t settle for easy shots. Even when left open.

- Has the entire playbook tattooed on various parts of his body. Needs to refresh his memory of them every five minutes. Most of these plays are visible to the other team also.

PF

Shahrukh Khan:

Pros:

- Has coaching experience, which helps on the court.

- Has had a very successful career

Cons:

- Absolutely convinced that there are 6 guys on floor at a time. Insists on calling his team a ‘pack’.

- His nickname in English is already taken by LeBron James.

- Insists on playing with retro uniforms.


Lakers wore retro shorts as a tribute to the legands. For two quarters. Reported mutiny in the locker room at halftime resulted in them reverting to regular uniforms. (citation needed)



C

Amitabh Bachhan:

Pros:

- Tall. Good for rebounding and post defense.

- Great at acting. Can easily pursuade referees into making favourable calls for his team.

Cons:

-Old and injury prone.

- Young at heart. Old in body. Still tries to score like he is a 20 something guy.

Disclaimer:

I grew up in the 90’s. Don’t remember every moment of it, but whenever I watch some of their movies, it brings back memories long forgotten. I associate most of their movies with pleasant times and it brings back a childish feeling of optimism. Respect those guys to no end. They are doing a lot of good with their outspoken attitude and charities.

This stuff is just light hearted humour with no disrespect intended. (Ekta Kapoor excluded)

Mythological Basketball team: Pandavs

There is a guy I play basketball with. Great shooter. Never learned to pass. Only time the ball leaves his hands is when it's going towards the ring. Sitting next to him in a dining hall, he won't pass the salt. Sitting next to him in a class, he won't pass on your notes. No passes. Ever.

I have nicknamed him Arjun, as he only sees the target. This got me thinking. Basketball in Mahabharat. There were five Pandav brothers. There are five players in a basketball team. I'm sure The Pandavs were all upstanding and productive citizens. I'm also sure they should under no circumstances play basketball as a team. Ever.

I've gone scouting and broken down the pros and cons of each brother as a basketball player. See for yourself:

The Yudishthir-

Pro: sort of an all rounder
Cons:
-always honest. If he palmed the ball, he will be the first to admit it.
-Will often agree with baseless and unfounded calls made by the other team against his team.
-If the referees miss a foul committed by your team, he will politely bring it to their attention.
- Also gambles compulsively on defense. Will reach in for steals at the expense of leaving his man open. Also gambles on long and ill advised shots.
-Has been known to put his wife on the line when the game is on the line. She does not shoot free throws very well. The next guy does.


The Arjun-
Pros: great shooter.
Cons:
-His usefulness to the team is impaired by his narrow vision. He can only see the proverbial fish's eye, i.e. the basket. On a 5 on 1 fast break, he won't see the 4 other teammates running along with him. Instead he will launch a running 3 with no prickling of conscience whatsoever.
-Has been known to be immobilized and question his morals in the heat of the battle, forcing the coach to call a timeout and sort out his moral compass with a lengthy recitation of a meaningful ballad.


The Bheem-

Pros: Real strong. Known for his intimidating presence.
Cons:
-Will often charge headfirst into the thick of the defense and commit an offensive foul.
-Does not know his own strength. Will inadvertently, with the slightest touch, send players flying out of bounds leading to a flagrant foul and possibly an ejection. -Not very good at detecting fakes or seeing through guises. Will pass to the other team if they pretend to be his teammates.


The Nakul –

Pros: Good for a game of HORSE. But that's about it.
Cons: Is the exact same player as his brother.

The Sahadev- see above. Same guy. Twin brothers. In a team, guys complement each other and cover up for shortcomings. If two of your players are basically the same person, you are screwed.

Any mythological basketball team you would like me to scout?

Love for the game : Hustle

Hustle:

Stop a guy in the street and ask him, what are the skills involved in basketball. Depending on whom you ask they will either utter a derisive snort, swing an imaginary bat in a graceful forward drive and point the said imaginary bat at you and scream “Basketball! Shmasketball! Cricket rules bitches!”, or “Basketball? Skills? No room for skills here bro. All these rules and fouls. So much simpler to just kick a ball. Joga Bonito!!”. Or scratch their chin and reply “ Hm. Lets see. Shooting, dribbling, passing, rebounding, and...defending. Yeah, that’s about it”. That’s the one I was looking for, thank you.

The sharp readers will notice the absence of the article title among the skills mentioned above. Hustle. The basketball readers will point out that hustle is a all encompassing intangible which involves defense and rebounding. Sure, but it is a skill of its own, with a strong correlation to desire. It means diving for loose balls, leaping out of bounds to keep a ball in play, diving into the stands and whipping the ball behind your back to keep it alive, not giving up on a play, returning quickly on defense to snuff out a fast break opportunity, chasing the ball all over the place, and more of all round effort which makes the opposition want to punch the guy in the face so hard. Ginobili, Iverson, Wade, Steph Curry, and a host of other players are famous for this. Throw a ball across a street and the chances are good that one of those guys will materialize from nowhere, swoop down on it with a whoop, and drive across the lane dribbling it along the way. They can’t help it. Following is a ballad of a victim of intense hustle, in honour of Ostertag’s 9 blocks in a playoff game:

As I drove towards the lane,
Whistling a merry tune.
I discovered to my shame,
My celebration was a tad too soon.

A no look behind the back pass that was unseen by all
Including the intended recipient, Greg Ostertag, he who’s obscenely tall
(Height is might, right? Not when you have uncoordinated eyesight.)
His inadvertent slipup, led to a fast break opportunity
My first uncontested layup, I thought with impunity.
I merrily skipped away, my form a treat to the eyes.
Away, far away from the other 9 guys
No way this lay ends with a block, right guys?
/* lay here meaning layup/story. Shakespere’s got nothing on me */
Yea, verily, I was on a fastbreak.
They, at the very least, were left quite far away.
But as I learned, to my dismay.
One player had never learned to give up on the play
One player endeavored, yearned, to swat the ball away.

As I soared to the rim, with my arm extended.
The crowd roared, out on a limb, it wasn’t for me their cheers were intended.

Chased me down like a cheetah
(How did he catch up. Oh! My shoelace was loose on my feet, yeah)
Jumped like a monkey
(Dude just got lucky)
Soared like a hawk
(Hey! I was in shock!
I swear this is not an act.
He came way too fast for me to react)
And batted the ball off the backboard,
But what made my shoulder sag,
Was the fact that my shot was blocked by Greg Ostertag.
To top it off, he commemorated the block with a Mutombo finger wag.
Thus he finished with 9 blocks in a game,
Putting his name in the NBA Hall of Fame(?)

Here is a mix of hustle plays:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9o6t0-4pCQ

On a side note, here is a vid of Steve Nash doing what I’d dreamt of, Bball conquers soccer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjguNTV3A2c

Love for the game: Jukes, fakes, ankle breakers

Anytime two guys are matched up, the one with the ball always has the advantage. The advantage of being one step ahead. He makes his move; the other guy has to follow his lead. Always. Barring the case when the defender tries to steal the ball or pressure the ball handler. In which case the defense is left exposed, again advantage: ball handler. If a guy plays you tight, blow by him; if he backs off protecting the drive, shoot over him. He’s bigger? Drive past him. You have a lower center of gravity so you can change directions quicker. Get him off balance for a second and make your move. Same height or smaller? Shoot over him. Double teams? Pass it off to the open guy.

A psychology student will tell you that gambling is a form of addiction. Our brain is wired to enjoy situations involving the mix of potential gains and uncertainty. Our brains love it when we cast our lot one way, put up some stakes and stand to win something. The winning itself does not mean everything. If you keep winning on a consistent basis, winning loses its charm. Playing through a video game in god mode can be a bore. The uncertainty involved in beating your man off the dribble is like a session at a casino. Only a whole lot faster. And with infinite possibilities. And you get to choose.

Snake charmers, matadors, hypnotists and ball handlers. In their arena, they all exert control in their own ways. One uses rhythmic movements to lead the snake on. In a similar way a baller dribbles around watching the defender move along with him. Hypnotism starts with lulling the subject in a stupor, usually with a back and forth movement. One of the many ways to blow by your man is to perform a small series of repetitive movements and check if your man mirrors your movements. If he does, congratulations, you have him hypnotized. Make a sudden move out of pattern and watch him stagger. One look, a shoulder fake, jab step, a crossover and the D is left lost in your wake.

This is a collection of ankle breakers. For ballers and all the Star Wars geeks who longed to use Force Push to make people fall, here is another way to drop someone on all fours without touching them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO6QCdrCF88&feature=player_embedded

Love for the game: Shooting a basketball

If you think about shooting a basketball, the way a maths student thinks things through, every time a player launches a shot, he is basically:

-throwing a ball (9 inches in diameter)

-towards a ring (perched 10ft high, 18 inches in diameter)

-from a significant distance (3 pointers are from 19”9 ft away)

At this point logic kicks in and shows that the odds of the ball going in are pretty low. Now add the factor of pressure filled game situations. Off balance shots. Defenders doing their best to distract the shooter by waving their arms in his face, trying to get a piece of the ball. The odds just dropped lower. There is a poetry to launching a high arcing shot, the kind that looks like it has no hope of going in, and then watching it drop softly, swishing the net on its way.

We are used to watching planes fly. To us, they represent a means of transportation. To those who study the mechanics of flight, build the aircraft, train to fly and pilot the plane; they are the only ones who can appreciate the beauty of a 400000 kg cone hurtling through the air wherever they direct it to.

There is a story set a couple of centuries ago, where a man walked into a crowded bar, climbed a table, hollered for attention and proclaimed “I am going to build a huge house. It will seat hundreds, and fly them to far away places in minutes.” The crowd stared at him for a moment, and laughed him out of the bar.

Okay, I made that story up. The parallel here is of a 12 year old kid throwing up shots at the rim, praying, willing, and beseeching the ball to at least touch the rim. It seems as impossible as the man’s claim to build a flying house. A decade later, the kid now grown up, effortlessly launches shots up from 20 feet. Shots that sail through the air in a rainbow arc and tear through the net. It is a commonplace occurrence, for everyone except the kid, who remembers how impossible it all seemed earlier. Don’t take the simple act of shooting for granted. Think about the work put into it.